Murphy’s Plough

McGinty, a farmer, needed to plough his field before the dry spell set in, but his own plough had broken.

“I know, I’ll ask my neighbour, farmer Murphy, to borrow his plough. He’s a good man; I’m sure he’ll have done his ploughing by now and he’ll be glad to lend me his machine.”

So McGinty began to walk the three or four fields to Murphy’s farm.

After a field of walking, McGinty says to himself, “I hope that Murphy has finished all his own ploughing or he’ll not be able to lend me his machine…”

Then after a few more minutes of worrying and walking, McGinty says to himself, “And what if Murphy’s plough is old and on it’s last legs – he’ll never be wanting to lend it to me will he?..”

And after another field, McGinty says, “Murphy was never a very helpful fellow, I reckon maybe he won’t be too keen to lend me his plough even if it’s in perfect working order and he’s finished all his own ploughing weeks ago….”

As McGinty arrives at Murphy’s farm, McGinty is thinking, “That old Murphy can be a mean old fellow. I reckon even if he’s got all his ploughing done, and his own machine is sitting there doing nothing, he’ll not lend it to me just so watch me go to ruin…”

McGinty walks up Murphy’s front path, knocks on the door, and Murphy answers.

“Well good morning Mr McGinty, what can I do for you?” says Murphy.

And McGinty says, with eyes bulging, “You can take your bloody plough, and you can stick it up your bloody arse!”

Quiz Show Answers

Classics (on The Weakest Link, BBC One)

Anne Robinson. presenter: What was the principal language used by the ancient Romans?

Contestant: Greek.

Geography (on In It To Win It, BBC One)

Dale Winton, presenter: Alderney and Sark – are they part of the Channel Islands?

Contestant: Ooooh! Is that the English Channel? I don’t know, are there islands in the English Channel? I’ve never heard of any. France – that’s near the English Channel, isn’t it?

General Studies (on Wogan’s Perfect Recall, Channel 4)

Sir Terry Wogan, presenter: “Which Duke resides at Woburn Abbey?

Contestant: Hazzard.

Music (on LBC, 97.3 FM)

Presenter: What name does Cat Stevens go under now? I’ll give you a clue, he became a Muslim…

Contestant: Abu Hamza.

Maths (on The Weakest Link, BBC One)

Anne Robinson: What kind of dozen is 13?

Contestant: Half a dozen.

Politics (on Viking FM)

Presenter: Who was the Prime Minister before Tony Blair?

Contestant: George Bush.

Books (on celebrity edition of University Challenge)

Jeremy Paxman, presenter: Of all Beatrix Potter’s books, which is the only one to feature a human in the title?

Antony Beevor, author: Peter Rabbit

The Arts (on 2CR FM)

Presenter: Who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?

Caller: Leonardo Di Caprio.

Film Studies (on Radio 2)

Steve Wright, presenter: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?

Caller: Jesus

History (on BBC Radio Merseyside)

Presenter: What was Hitler’s first name?

Contestant: Heil.