The Law Of….

The Law Of…

1. Law of Mechanical Repair– After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
2. Law of the Workshop– Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.  
3. Law of Probability– The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone– When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi– If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you really will have a flat tire.
6. Law of Variation– If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
7. Law of Bathing– After the body is fully immersed in warm, soothing water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters– The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. 
9. Law of the Result– When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. Likewise, if you try to prove that a machine will work, it won’t.
10. Law of Biomechanics– The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theatre Rule– At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee– As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers– If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of the Locker Room– If you are uncomfortable being naked; the dressing room will fill up with greek gods or goddesses.
15. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets– The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.  
16. Law of Location– No matter where you go, there you are.
17. Law of Logical Argument– Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
18. Brown’s Law– If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
19. Oliver’s Law– A closed mouth gathers no feet.
20. Wilson ‘s Law – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it or the store will stop stocking it.

I Learned Everything From Noah’s Ark

I Learned Everything From Noah’s Ark

• Don’t miss the boat.
• Remember that we are all in the same boat.
• Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
• Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
• Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
• Build your future on high ground.
• For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
• Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
• When you’re stressed, float a while.
• Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
• No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

The Donkey in the Well

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, that the well needed to be covered anyway and that it just wasn’t worth retrieving the donkey. So he invited all his neighbours to come over and help him.

They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement, he quietened down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

The Pocket-watch story

The tall man stood a long time on the sidewalk, looking at the silver pocket watch in the store window. He had stood there before, looking, wishing. But on this day he went inside and asked the clerk to see the watch up close. It felt good in his hand. It would cost him a week’s wages, but he wanted that watch. He had been saving as he could for some time. The next week he went back and bought it.

“Illinois” was the brand name printed boldly on the face – a working man’s watch. He had his initials, “JG”, engraved fancifully on the back of the case. For a man of his circumstance, it was an extravagance, but he was glad he had bought it. So am I.

Born in Northern Ireland in another century, my grandfather had served in the army of Queen Victoria during the Boer War in South Africa. Had he been a brave soldier? I think so; I hope so. Injured in the war, he was returned home to recuperate in a hospital. There he met the nurse who would become the grandmother I never go to know. I see them there, her holding the hand of the gallant soldier, and falling in love.

Some years and three children later, I see my grandfather at the rail of a ship approaching New York harbor and Ellis Island. More bravery and courage to strike off for a new land, a new life. West to Pittsburgh he went where a cousin promised him a job. He made a home and summoned his wife and children to this new life too. Other children, including my father, were born here in Pennsylvania. Grandfather worked many jobs to provide for his wife and family, never wealthy by any standard.

I see him mourning for the wife who had nursed his wounds and bore his children when she died all too young. I think of his happiness when he was later married again, this time to the “grandmother” I did get to know. Life was good then, good enough to buy a fine gentlemanly silver pocket watch.

Grandfather too died years before my birth, so I never got to know him. He didn’t leave much of worldly wealth, but he left memories to his children, and a few objects of at least sentimental value. My Aunt, his youngest daughter, gave me his watch when I graduated from college. “You have his name,” she said, “you should have his watch too.”

I reach in my pocket for the old Illinois silver watch. It feels good in my hand.

The Sausage Story

Long ago there were three friends who all lived together in a little house in the woods. One was a cheery little blue bird; another was a gray field mouse with a long wiggly tail; the third was a sausage. They had been friends for a long time and they got along famously. The bird gathered firewood and kept the cooking and heating fires going. The little mouse did all the cleaning and housework. The sausage was the cook, and a great cook it was.

On some nights after all the work and chores of the day were finished, the blue bird would go and visit other friends. She enjoyed flying around in the sky. The other birds would often make fun of her, always asking, “Why do you live with a mouse and a sausage? Why don’t you come and stay with us, and you can fly through the skies all the time.” But the little bird ignored them as best she could, and would happily go back to her home and her specal friends.

Eventually, all the coaxing and nagging of the other birds changed the little blue bird’s mind. She reluctantly told the mouse and the sausage that she was leaving. The next day after gathering a big pile of wood for the fires and eating a good supper, she packed her few things and waved goodbye to her housemates. They were sad to see her go, but tried to understand.

It took several day to use up all firewood, and so the mouse and the sausage got along fine for awhile, but finally their cooking and heating fires were burning low. The mouse and the sausage talked it over, and the sausage said that he would go out and get more wood. But the sausage had no sooner gone out into the woods than a big black dog from down the road got a whiff of him. It only took the dog a few minutes to find the sausage and to eat him all up.

The poor little mouse, now all alone, didn’t know what had happened. The mouse went outside and looked for the sausage but nothing could he find. Just about then, the blue bird flew back to the little house. The bird told the mouse that she just couldn’t stand to be away from her friends. When the mouse told the bird that the sausage was missing, she took off right away and flew all around looking. She didn’t see the sausage, but she did see a big black dog. Flying down to a tree branch, the bird asked the dog if he had seen a sausage anywhere. “Yes, I did,” said the dog, “and I ate it all up!”

Well the blue bird flew back to the house and told the mouse. She and the mouse were so very sad, just thinking about the fate of the poor sausage. They began to talk about who would do the cooking now. The mouse said he would do the cooking if the bird would keep getting the firewood and help with the housework. That night, the mouse put a big pot of water on the stove and brought it to a boil, just like he had seen the sausage do so many times. When the water was boiling, the mouse remembered that the sausage would hop into the pot and give the soup a nice flavor. So when the water was boiling wildly, the little mouse jumped in. But of course he couldn’t climb back out, and the poor little mouse was scalded to death.

The blue bird was now all alone. She stayed in their little house for awhile, but even though it was only a little house, she grew lonely there. Finally she decided to go back to her other friends, the other birds. She missed her old and special friends the mouse and the sausage very very much, but she was happy to be able to fly through the skies all day long.

Words of Wisdom

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience; with a raised glass of water, and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, ‘half empty or half full?’….. she fooled them all … “How heavy is this glass of water?”, she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8oz. to 20oz. She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “and that’s the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.” “As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden – holding stress longer and better each time practiced. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now ’supposed’ stress that you’ve conquered!” Dealing with the burdens of life: Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon – and some days you’re the statue! Always keep your words soft and sweet – just in case you have to eat them. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. Drive carefully – it’s not just cars that can be recalled by their Maker. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Never buy a car you can’t push. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. The second mouse gets the cheese. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once. We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors – but they all have to live in the same box. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

Life explained……

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’

The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty yea rs… How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’

But the human said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

The Mousetrap and the Farm Animals

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. “What food might this contain?” the mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said “Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.”
…

The mouse turned to the pig and told him “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!” The pig sympathized, but said “I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.”

The mouse turned to the cow and said “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!” The cow said “Wow, Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you, but it’s no skin off my nose.”

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house – like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer’s wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient. But his wife’s sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer’s wife did not get well; she died. So many! people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness. So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn’t concern you, remember: when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another. Each of us is a vital thread in another person’s tapestry.

Two very short, but uplifting stories

I wanted to share both of these two tiny, yet equally uplifting stories with you – both of which highlight the extend of human kindness in it’s purest form.

Story 1.

Today, I was traveling in Kenya and I met a refugee from Zimbabwe. He said he hadn’t eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny and unhealthy. Then my friend offered him the rest of the sandwich he was eating. The first thing the man said was, “We can share it.” 

 

Story 2.

I waited on an elderly woman at the local restaurant where I work. She left me a $90 tip on a $10 tab with a handwritten note that said, “I’m 86 and I can’t take this money with me. So please spoil yourself with it.” 

 

Hope these have both brightened up you day, till next time 🙂

60 Ways to make life simple again

• Don’t try to read other people’s minds.  Don’t make other people try to read yours.  Communicate.
• Be polite, but don’t try to be friends with everyone around you.  Instead, spend time nurturing your relationships with the people who matter most to you.
• Your health is your life, keep up with it.  Get an annual physical check-up.
• Live below your means.  Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.  Always sleep on big purchases.   Create a budget and savings plan and stick to both of them.
•  Get enough sleep every night.  An exhausted mind is rarely productive.
•  Get up 30 minutes earlier so you don’t have to rush around like a mad man.  That 30 minutes will help you avoid speeding tickets, tardiness, and other unnecessary headaches.
• Get off your high horse, talk it out, shake hands or hug, and move on.
• Don’t waste your time on jealously.  The only person you’re competing against is yourself.
• Surround yourself with people who fill your gaps.  Let them do the stuff they’re better at so you can do the stuff you’re better at.
• Organize your living space and working space.  Read David Allen’s book Getting Things Donefor some practical organizational guidance.
• Get rid of stuff you don’t use.
• Ask someone if you aren’t sure.
• Spend a little time now learning a time-saving trick or shortcut that you can use over and over again in the future.
• Don’t try to please everyone.  Just do what you know is right.
• Don’t drink alcohol or consume recreational drugs when you’re mad or sad.  Take a jog instead.
• Be sure to pay your bills on time.
• Fill up your gas tank on the way home, not in the morning when you’re in a hurry.
• Use technology to automate tasks.
• Handle important two-minute tasks immediately.
• Relocate closer to your place of employment.
• Don’t steal.
• Always be honest with yourself and others.
• Say “I love you” to your loved ones as often as possible.
• Single-task.  Do one thing at a time and give it all you got.
• Finish one project before you start another.
• Be yourself.
• When traveling, pack light.  Don’t bring it unless you absolutely must.
• Clean up after yourself.  Don’t put it off until later.
• Learn to cook, and cook.
• Make a weekly (healthy) menu, and shop for only the items you need.
• Consider buying and cooking food in bulk.  If you make a large portion of something on Sunday, you can eat leftovers several times during the week without spending more time cooking.
• Stay out of other people’s drama.  And don’t needlessly create your own.
• Buy things with cash.
• Maintain your car, home, and other personal belongings you rely on.
• Smile often, even to complete strangers.
• If you hate doing it, stop it.
• Treat everyone with the same level of respect you would give to your grandfather and the same level of patience you would have with your baby brother.
• Apologize when you should.
• Write things down.
• Be curious.  Don’t be scared to learn something new.
• Explore new ideas and opportunities often.
• Don’t be shy.  Network with people.  Meet new people.
• Don’t worry too much about what other people think about you.
• Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven, and likeminded.
• Don’t text and drive.  Don’t drink and drive.
• Drink waterwhen you’re thirsty.
• Don’t eat when you’re bored.  Eat when you’re hungry.
• Exercise every day.  Simply take a long, relaxing walk or commit 30 minutes to an at-home exercise program like the P90X workout.
• Let go of things you can’t change.  Concentrate on things you can.
• Find hard work you actually enjoy doing.
• Realize that the harder you work, the luckier you will become.
• Follow your heart.  Don’t waste your life fulfilling someone else’s dreams and desires.
• Set priorities for yourself and act accordingly.
• Take it slow and add up all your small victories.
• However good or bad a situation is now, it will change.  Accept this simple fact.
• Excel at what you do.  Otherwise you’ll just frustrate yourself.
• Mature, but don’t grow up too fast.
• Realize that you’re never quite as right as you think you are.
• Build something or do something that makes you proud.
• Make mistakes, learn from them, laugh about them, and move along.